Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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