i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
