Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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