There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
