Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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