listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
