I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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