dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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