I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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