I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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