wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
