6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
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