I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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