woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
