remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
