I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
