he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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