everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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