if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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