apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
