Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
