God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
