you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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