nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize