i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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