Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
