When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
