You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
