I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
