M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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