my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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