i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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