fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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