So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My cat gives me a boner
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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