hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
