i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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