He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
