Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
