Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
