Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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