Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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