I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
