Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
