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Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Someone signed my nipple.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize