once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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