I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
