saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
