Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
