I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize