It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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