how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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