he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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