Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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