You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
This is the high leading the old right now
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
