Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
