the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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