mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
