On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
