Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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