I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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