Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
