She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
