I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
