he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
