you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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